01. Brianstorm

Brian, top marks for not tryin’
So kind of you to bless us
With your effortlessness
We’re grateful and so strangely comforted

And I wonder, are you puttin’ us under?
Cause we can’t take our eyes off
The t-shirt and ties combination
Well see you later, innovator

Some want to kiss, some want to kick you
There’s not a net you couldn’t slip through
Or at least that’s the impression I get
Cause you’re smooth and you’re wet
And she’s not aware yet, but she’s yours

She’ll be sayin’ “Use me,
Show me the jacuzzi”
I imagine that it’s there on a plate
Your rendezvous rate means that you’ll never be frightened
To make them wait for a while

I doubt it’s your style
Not to get what you set out to acquire
The eyes are on fire
You are the unforecasted storm

(Brian)
Calm, collected, and commandin’
(Top marks for not tryin’)
You made the other stories standin’

With your renditions and jokes
Bet there’s hundreds of blokes
That have wept cause
You’ve stolen their, thunder

Are you puttin’ us under?
Cause we can’t take our eyes off
The t-shirt and ties combination
Well see you later, innovator

02. Teddy Picker

Despair to the point where they provoke
The punchline before they have told the joke
The sheer desperation to be seen
Staring at the television screen

Despair to the point where they provoke
You to tell the fucking punchline before you have told the joke
Sorry, sunshine, it doesn’t exist
It wasn’t in the Top 100 list

And it’s the thousandth time and it’s even bolder
Don’t be surprised when you get bent over
They told ya, but you were dying for it

She saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn’t what it seemed
The kids all dream of making it, whatever that means

Another variation on a theme
A tangle on the television and the magazine
D’you reckon that they do it for a joke?
D’you reckon that they make ‘em take an oath that says:

“We are defenders
Of any poseur
Or professional
Pretender around”

When did your list replace the twist and turn?
Like a fist replaced the kissed-on concern
And if you’re bothered, I don’t want your prayers
Save it for the morning after

And it’s the thousandth time and it’s even bolder
Don’t be surprised when you get bent over
They told ya, but you were gagging for it

Let’s have a game on the Teddy Picker
Not quick enough can I have it quicker?
Already thick and you’re getting thicker

Let’s have a game on the Teddy Picker
Not quick enough can I have it quicker?
Already thick and you’re getting thicker

Assuming that all things are equal
Who’d want to be men of the people
When there’s people like you?

03. D Is For Dangerous

He knew what he wanted to say
But he did not want to word it
The dirty little Herbert
Was thinking an escape
But the place was well guarded
The guiltiness that started
Soon as the other part had stopped

D is for Delightful
And try and keep your trousers on
I think you should know you’re his favourite worst nightmare

D is for
Desperately trying to stimulate
What it was that was alright
Three quarters of an hour ago
That had led him to be in a position
And every compromission
On the brink of an episode

He’s nearing the brink but he thinks first
The parallel universe perhaps could be the perfect scene
He’s nearing the brink but he thinks first
The parallel universe perhaps could be the perfect scene
He’s nearing the brink but he thinks first
The parallel universe perhaps could be the perfect scene
He’s nearing the brink but he thinks first, the parallel
I think you should know you’re his favourite worst nightmare

D is for Delightful
And try and keep your trousers on
You should know you’re his favourite worst nightmare

04. Balaclava

Running off over next door’s garden
Before the hour is done
It’s more a question of feeling
Than it is a question of fun
The confidence is the balaclava
I’m sure you’ll baffle ‘em good
Will the ending reek of salty cheeks
And runny makeup alone?

Or will blood run down the face
Of a boy bewildered and scorned
And you’ll find yourself in a skirmish
And you wish you’d never been born
And you tie yourself to the tracks
And there isn’t no going back
And its wrong, wrong, wrong
But well do it anyway cause we love a bit of trouble

Are you pulling her from a burning building
Or throwing her to the sharks?
Can only hope that the ending
Is as pleasurable as the start
The confidence is the balaclava
I’m sure you’ll baffle ‘em straight
And it’s wrong, wrong, wrong
She can hardly wait

That’s right, he won’t let her out his sight
Now the shaggers perform
And the daggers are drawn
Who’s the crooks in this crime?

That’s right, he won’t let her out his sight
Now the shaggers perform
And the daggers are drawn
Who’s the crooks in this crime?

That’s right, he won’t let her out his sight
That’s right, he won’t let her out his sight
That’s right, he won’t let her out his sight

Will you be able to boast
that this day held the most flawless heist of all time

You knew that it’d be trouble
Right before the very first kiss
Quiet and assuming but you were
That they were the naughtiest
She pleaded with you to take it off
But you resisted and fought
Sorry sweetheart,
I’d much rather keep on the balaclava

05. Fluorescent Adolescent

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything’s in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary’s lacking in Tabasco
Remember when you used to be a rascal?

Oh the boy’s a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
But as daft as they seem
As daft as they seemed
My love when you dream them up

Flicking through a little book of sex tips
Remember when the boys were all electric?
Now when she tells she’s gonna get it
I’m guessing that she’d rather just forget it
Clinging to not getting sentimental
Said she wasn’t going but she went still
Likes her gentlemen not to be gentle
Was it a Mecca dauber or a betting pencil?

Oh the boy’s a slag
The best you ever had
The best you ever had
Is just a memory and those dreams
Weren’t as daft as they seem
Not as daft as they seem
My love when you dream them up

Oh, Flo, where did you go?
Where did you go?
Where did you go?

Falling about
You took a left off Last Laugh Lane
You were just sounding it out
You’re not coming back again

Falling about
You took a left off Last Laugh Lane
You were just sounding it out
You’re not coming back again

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
(Falling about)
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
(You took a left off Last Laugh Lane)
Everything’s in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
(You were just sounding it out)
That Bloody Mary’s lacking in Tabasco
Remember when you used to be a rascal?
(You’re not coming back again)

06. Only Ones Who Know

In a foreign place, the saving grace was the feeling
That it was a heart that he was stealing
Oh he was ready to impress and the fierce excitement
The eyes are bright he couldn’t wait to get away
I bet the Juliet was just the icing on the cake
Make no mistake, no

And even if somehow we could have shown you the place you wanted
Well I’m sure you could have made it that bit better on your own

And I bet she told a million people that she’d stay in touch
Well all the little promises they don’t mean much
When there’s memories to be made
And I hope you’re holding hands by New Year’s Eve
They made it far too easy to believe
That true romance can’t be achieved these days

And even if somehow they could have shown you the place you wanted
Well I’m sure you could have made it that bit better on your own
You are the only ones who know

07. Do Me A Favour

Well the morning was complete
There was tears on the steering wheel, dripping on the seat
Several hours or several weeks
I’d have the cheek to say they’re equally as bleak

It’s the beginning of the end
The car went up the hill and disappeared around the bend
Ask anyone they’ll tell you that it’s these times that it tends
To start to breaking off, to start to fall apart
Hold on to your heart

Do me a favour, break my nose
Do me a favour, and tell me to go away
Do me a favour, and stop asking questions

She walked away, well, her shoes were untied
And the eyes were all red, you could see that we’d cried
And I watched and I waited ’til she was inside
Forcing a smile and waving goodbye

Curiousity becomes a heavy load
Too heavy to hold, too heavy to hold
Curiousity becomes a heavy load
Too heavy to hold, will force you to be cold

Do me a favour, and ask if you need some help
She said: “Do me a favour and stop flattering yourself”
How to tear apart the ties that bind?
Perhaps f**k off, might be too kind
Perhaps f**k off, might be too kind

08. This House Is A Circus

This house is a circus, berserk as fuck
We tend to see that as a perk though
Look what it’s done to your friends, their memories are pretend
And the last thing they want is for the feeling to end

This house is a circus, berserk as fuck
We tend to see that as a perk though
Look what it’s done to your friends, their memories are pretend
And the last thing they want is for the feeling to end

There’s a room full of trouble and there’s lovers to be had
Those ones who make sinners out of such lovely lads
Scaling the corridors for maidens in the maze
And the anomaly is slipping into familiar ways

And we’re forever unfulfilled
Can’t think why
Like a search for murder clues
In dead man’s eyes

Forever unfulfilled
And can’t think why
Like a search for murder clues
In dead man’s eyes

The more you open your mouth
The more you’re forcing performance
And all the attention is leading me to feel important
(Maybe I’m not just completely obnoxious)
Now that we’re here, we may as well go too far

Wriggling around in it just so that you won’t forget
There’s certainly some venom in the looks that you collect
Aimlessly gazing at the faces in the queue
And we’re struggling with the notion that it’s life not film

This house is a circus, berserk as fuck
(We’re forever unfulfilled)
We tend to see that as a perk though
(Can’t think why)
Look what it’s done to your friends, their memories are pretend
(Like a search for murder clues)
And the last thing they want is for the feeling to end

09. If You Were There, Beware

If you were there, beware the serpent soul pinchers
Three hundred and fifty ‘no thank you’s’ and nobody flinches
Go on girl, go on, give us something gruesome
We require your grief, the thugs help the thieves
As they’re trying to rob the words from her gob
And take the source of the innocence

If you were there, beware the serpent soul pinchers
Can’t you sense she was never meant to fill column inches?
And you’ve had enough, what you’re trying to dig up
Isn’t there to be dug, the thieves help the thugs
As they’re trying be the good grace of a sweetheart
Out to the point she’ll comply

Why leave her on her own?
If I’d have known then I wouldn’t have said it
I wouldn’t have said it if I would have known

Why leave her on her own?
If I predicted tears then I wouldn’t have said it
I wouldn’t have said it if I would have known

There’s a circle of witches, ambitiously vicious they are
Our attempts to remind them of reason won’t get us that far
I don’t know what it is that they want
I don’t know what it is that they want
But I haven’t got it to give
She hasn’t got it to give

10. The Bad Thing

Do the bad thing
Take off your wedding ring
But it won’t make it that much easier
It might make it worse

Oh the night’s like a whirlwind
Somebody’s girlfriend’s talkin’ to me but its alright
She’s sayin’ that he’s not gonna slap me or try to attack me
He’s not the jealous type

And I only need to get half an excuse and I’m away
But when there’s no excuses that’s much easier to say
I’ve been before and all these capers makers too good for her to ignore
Well she’s talkin’ but I’m not entirely sure, ah

Do the bad thing
Take off your wedding ring
But it won’t make it that much easier
It might make it worse

Oh, a sudden disheartener somebody’s partner’s talkin’ to me
But I don’t know that is what she isn’t
She murmurs things to confirm that the tragedy is true
And I knew how could she not she could have anyone she wants
And I’m strugglin’ to think of an immediate response, like

“I don’t mind
Be a big mistake for you to wait
And have me waste your time
Really love it’s fine
Said, really love it’s fine”

And then the first time it occurred that there was something to destroy
I knew before the invitation that there was this ploy
Oh but she carried on suggestin’, I struggled to refuse
She said “It’s the red wine this time, but that is no excuse”

11. Old Yellow Bricks

Old yellow bricks, love’s a risk
Quite the little escapoligist
Looked so miffed, when you wished
For a thousand places better than this

You are the fugitive
But you don’t know what you’re running from
You can’t kid us
And you couldn’t trick anyone
Houdini, love, you don’t know what you’re running away from

Who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up?
Blinded by nostalgia
Who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up?

She was enraged, by the way
That the emperor put traps in the cage
And the days, she being dull
Lead to nights reading beer bottles

You are the fugitive
But you don’t know what you’re running from
You can’t kid us
And you couldn’t trick anyone
Houdini, love, you don’t know what you’re running away from

Who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up?
Blinded by nostalgia
Who wants to sleep in a city that never wakes up?

You’re at a loss, just because
It wasn’t all that you thought it was
You are a fugitive
But you don’t know what you’re runnin’ away from

She said “I want to sleep in the city that never wakes up
And revel in nostalgia”
I know I said he wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up but
Dorothy was right though

12. 505

I’m going back to 505
If it’s a 7-hour flight or a 45-minute drive
In my imagination you’re waiting lying on your side
With your hands between your thighs

Stop and wait a sec
Oh when you look at me like that my darling, what did you expect?
I’d probably still adore you with your hands around my neck
Or I did last time I checked

Not shy of a spark
The knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark
Frightened by the bite though it’s no harsher than the bark
Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start

I’m going back to 505
If it’s a 7-hour flight or a 45-minute drive
In my imagination you’re waiting lying on your side
With your hands between your thighs

But I crumble completely when you cry
It seems like once again you’ve had to greet me with goodbye
I’m always just about to go and spoil a surprise
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon

I’m going back to 505
If it’s a 7-hour flight or a 45-minute drive
In my imagination you’re waiting lying on your side
With your hands between your thighs and a smile